Yesterday, I sat down with yet another doctor to talk about the story of this curve.
About how a titanium rod was screwed in to help straighten it when I was a freshman in high school. About how a decade later, I felt a frightening snap. About how after going from doctor to doctor to doctor — begging for months for someone to figure out why I was suddenly in so much pain — I woke up one morning and couldn’t move my knee. Then later felt a mysterious bump. Then, after being told by multiple doctors “not to worry about it”, eventually discovered that half of my scoliosis rod had somehow broken off…and (unheard of) come unscrewed…and (crazier yet) “migrated” down past dozens of critical organs, where it was lodged in my calf muscle.
Yyyyeah.
The radiologists clustered around the x-ray machine that day told me it was impossible. The nurses told me it was a miracle that I was alive. The orthopedic surgeon on call broke the news that — contrary to what we had originally been told — my spinal fusion a decade before had actually failed, leaving my spine unstable. But that unfortunately, it was too dangerous to re-operate and see if the remaining half of the rod was still screwed in tightly.
Ever since, this curve has haunted me. I try hard not to think much about it. But every time my back pops, or I twist an inch too far in yoga, or think about the next 5…15…50 years, I worry about that rod. And say my thousandth prayer that it stays snugly in place.
Ever since, this curve also just hurts. Most days, it’s a chronic ache that I’ve learned over the years to live with. Some days when I push too hard, it lights my entire back on fire and clears my calendar. Some days I forget all about it, although those days are fewer as I grow older.
Ever since, this curve is also my most visible reminder of the sheer preciousness of life. I used to look in the mirror and only see asymmetry and scars. But today, I see a strong body that still gives me the extravagant gift of being able to walk, travel, do my job, and go on living.
It’s the one precious body I’ve been given. And even though we’ve had a complicated relationship, I’m learning how to fear it less and love it more. And be so very grateful. ♡
Blessings to you, and thanks for sharing. I so much appreciate the reminder to live in the moment, to take risk, and to try to move away from fear.
Sometimes I get SO ANGRY at the doctors! They blatantly ignored your pain and concerns instead of doing a simple, non-invasive x-ray to confirm your suspicions. I have to keep remind myself that doctors are PRACTICING medicine. I’m sorry for what you now have to live with. I’m also proud of you for not letting your rod get the best of you!❤ To you and all of our sisters of back pain: Keep Laughing! Accept the blahs, and keep moving!
Oh, honey. Big, huge hugs. It pains me to think of you in this pain, when you give to the world such joyful yummy ness. A few, gentle thoughts. Get a second or third opinion on your condition. Read the book, “ Crooked,” which is an honest evaluation of the “back care” industry. Maybe read the book first and then go from there. As a massage therapist, there are practitioners in our industry who work with spinal anomalies – you may need to dig a little. And by all means, get that rod out of your calf. Yoga and aquatic exercise can be healing. Wishing you well.
Your story is so inspirational! You are such a brave woman, beautiful inside and out! Thank you for sharing your story and giving us another reason to be thankful for all that we have. God Bless you and stay strong!
Having endured spinal fusion surgery almost 5 years ago I can feel your pain. My left leg and foot are weak and I have chronic pain but girls are tough right? I push through, I walk 2 miles a day and have a 12:00pm tee time today! I love golf more than it loves me but I am out there! Hoping you find a surgeon that can help. They are making advances everyday! Sending hugs!
What can be said that many haven’t already???? You are truly a blessing to so many and encouragement as well. Love your recipes and the glimpses of your life…..how precious you are. Great reminder to count our blessings.
Praying for healing
God bless, you, Ali! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
“Some days when I push too hard, it lights my entire back on fire and clears my calendar. Some days I forget all about it, although those days are fewer as I grow older.”
Wow, Ali, you are some awesome role model. You might try some CBD for some relief. I am putting you in my God Jar. Your writing is superb.
La Verne
Oh my goodness! Bless your heart! I am so sorry y’all are going through this! You are in my prayers ❤️