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Why I’m Not Online Dating

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Why I'm Not Online Dating |

Guesssss who’s still single??

Good guess. And actually I just had a birthday, so I suppose we need to find a new name for this 30 and Single series. I have an idea up my sleeve that I may share soon.

But hey, we’re overdue for a new post in the series. So today, I thought I’d finally share my current thoughts on one of the oh-so-popular topics that always seems to come up in conversation: online dating.

Although let’s be real — it never just “comes up”. There is a very specific, strategic, seven-word question that the world seems to have agreed is the politically correct way to approach the topic. It is always said in the most casual tone anyone can muster. And it usually comes up instantly after telling someone you are single. And it goes like this: “Soooo, have you ever considered online dating?

(As though every single person has never considered it. As though it hasn’t been around for a decade. And as though it is clearly the guaranteed path for how to become un-single. As though….alright alright, snarkyness=squelched.)

No, I always respond politely when people ask about online dating because I know that the question is well-intended. And I agree that it’s a reasonable question, since online dating is quite the modern marvel of the last decade. I just did a Google search for some statistics, and this site says that over 41 million (million!) people in the U.S. have tried online dating. I believe it. Tons of my friends have tried it. Many of them have successfully met some really cool people online. And I even have a few friends who married their “matches”…and I think should totally become those cute couples on the commercials.

I’m also one of the millions.

I EHarmony-ed twice right out of college after moving to a new city, I hopped on and off Match a few times over the years, and I have kept an eye on (but never signed up for) all of the zillion other online dating sites that have popped up since. There were at least a handful of decent dates come out of my time on those sites. But guys, I have to tell you — I just don’t think it’s my thing.

Let me be clear, I have absolutely nothing at all against those who love online dating. Many of my friends are on various sites and apps right now and are having great experiences, and clearly 41 million people have found it at least worth the try. But something about it just never quite clicked for me. It took me awhile to admit that to myself and to other people, mostly because I thought it would be great if it could “work”. But I’m now totally ok with that fact that it’s not for me. And when someone presses for why I’m not OK Cupid-ing or Tinder-ing or EHarmonizing my way through these single years, I have also learned to articulate a few reasons.

So I thought I’d share five of those today for any inquiring minds who might want to know why I’m not online dating — especially for any of you married folk who might wonder why some of your single friends (who might still want to be in a relationship) are intentionally passing up all of those available fish in the online sea. Or also for any of those available fish who might relate. :)

5 Reasons I Don’t Dig Online Dating

1. I don’t like “shopping” for guys

Most of my friends will agree that when you very first begin the process of online dating, it pretty much seems like The Absolute Best Thing EVER.

I mean, it seems like it should be a slam dunk! Begin by expanding your pool to tens of thousands of single people. Then narrow those down by marking the appropriate check boxes — Age? Check. Height? Check. City? Set that zip code or radius however wide you’d like. Kids?  Yes/No/Maybe. Religious views? Multiple mark. Ethnicity? Smokes? Drinks? Previously married? Eye color? Exercise frequency? Pets? Salary? Political Views? Education? Checkcheckcheckcheckcheck. — and then VOILA. The perfect eligible bachelors should all pop up, and then all you have to do is sort through teeny thumbnails (with yes, countless examples of the 10 photos not to post for online dating) and choose the ones who seem perfect for you — right??

Well, obviously, that’s not usually the case. Sure, I’ve met a handful of cool guys online, and ended up dating a few. But in my experience most of the “results” that popped up definitely didn’t feel like “matches”. Oh, their profiles and emails and one-liners definitely made for some spectacular stories to tell my friends. But most were definitely not matches.

But you know what? That part I didn’t totally mind. No, I was surprised to realize that what I disliked most about the selection process was actually filling out the checkboxes and window-shopping for guys. (Ironically, in my organized little brain, the very thing that initially appealed to me about online dating.)  I don’t know, something about it just felt super unnatural to me. And uncomfortable. And confused. And really judgy.

Mostly, the whole process just confirmed that I simply don’t really want to be the person who is deciding what the perfect checklist looks like for me. Sure, I have things I’m looking for in a guy. But if I’ve learned anything from watching so many friends get married over the past decade, it’s that the spouses they end up with almost always do not perfectly match the checklists they had going in. And thank goodness they didn’t, because those people usually end up being the perfect matches, in that perfectly imperfect, wonderful way that life seems to go. I kind of want that too.

So I don’t know. I’m not against narrowing down the field, but the detailed checklists just don’t feel like the way I’m going to find my “match”.

2. I don’t like turning guys down

Ok, this may seem like an odd one, but hear me out.

I think the thing I was most unprepared for with online dating was how many people you end up turning down in the process. When I was on EHarmony (and they may have changed the process since), you were sent a few matches a day and then had to decide yes or no on all of them. Day after day after day. When I was on Match, my little inbox was pretty quickly overwhelmed with emails (and those awful “winks”), ranging from the cut-and-pasted form emails (yes), the creepy one-liners (90% of the time having to do with eyes, or completely sexual), to legit emails from guys who were and were absolutely not what I would call matches. So if you’re active on an online dating site, you generally find yourself having to sort through yes’s and no’s every single day.

Of course, that has to be a part of the process. And yes of course, it’s awesome and a total honor to have people interested in you. And yes of course, it’s totally ok to turn down people (especially the creepsters) who you know won’t be a fit.

But here’s the thing — I’m pretty sure that most people sign up for online dating wanting to say “yes”. That’s why I signed up, but the yes/no ratio was not in my favor. And after turning down the 20th, or 50th, or 100th person who contacts you — even if you have full confidence that they are indeed “no’s” — it can start to wear on your heart in kind of a backwards way. And you start to feel guilty about saying “no’s”, especially to people whose intentions are good. And you start to consider saying more “yes’s” just to balance out the “no’s”, even when that’s clearly not the best idea. And the whole idea of online “yes’s” and “no’s” just starts to seem unnecessary if you’re not going on many good dates.

Anyway, it’s something I didn’t expect about online dating, and it was not fun.

3. I don’t like my bright and shiny (and VERY public) profile

In the world of online dating, it’s ALL about your profile.

Everything hinges on it. It is how the algorithms sort you. It is people’s first impression of you. It is where you can be as honest (or not) as you’d like. It is where you can share as many updated (or not) photos as you’d like. And it is basically your modern day calling card for all things YOU.

And good grief, those profiles are hard to write.

I mean, we all have a little experience with profiles nowadays thanks to Facebook. But most dating sites don’t let you off the hook with just your age, occupation, alma mater, and hometown. Oh no, profiles or “personal inventories” can take hours to fill out and write. And in addition to a million checkboxes, you usually have to fill out open-ended essay questions on things like an “about me” section, “about my date”, “for fun”, “my idea of a great date”, and other enlightening topics.

Many of my married friends have remarked over the years that writing profiles “sounds like so much fun!” But if you’re the one writing it about yourself, it pretty much just feels super awkward. Basically, you’re trying to present yourself to complete strangers in a way that’s positive but not braggy, open but not overly vulnerable, attractive but not vain, confident but not cocky, etc. etc. And of course, you have to select the perfect photos to match, since statistically your cover photo is what makes people actually “click on you” or not.

Clearly from my attempts doing this for myself, and reading hundreds of profiles of others trying to do the same, this is no easy feat. And in trying to sound all bright and shiny and wonderful, things just get awkward.

OH. And let’s not forget that most online dating sites are all very public. Anyone who logs into the site can usually read your entire profile, and anyone who grabs a screenshot will have it forever. ANYONE.

4. I don’t like the creepsters

On that note, as a single girl, I have to say a word about the creepsters. Because believe me, they are there creeping around on every online dating site. Most of them are probably the harmless, garden-variety awkward types who think a one-liner about your “hot bod” is exactly what a woman wants to hear. But a little too often, you run across a profile or get an email from someone who gives you (the wrong kind of) goosebumps.

For example, one of my friends just told me about a guy who reverse-image-searched her on Match, and told her that he had tracked down where she worked. (Noted: never use work photos!)  Another friend had a guy photoshop her headshot onto some p-rn. Another had a creepy guy recognize her from a photo and approach her at a bar. More commonly, I’ve just heard of many people show up for dates and find that the person was either creepy or not at all who they said they were (or how they looked in their photo) online.

Yes, I know this is par for the course on any public sort of website. And people should always be extra cautious when meeting any sort of strangers from the internet anytime. But the reality is that I intentionally don’t put myself in situations in my everyday life when I have creepy guys hitting on me, so it seems a little strange to be intentionally opening myself to that online.

It’s not something that’s a deal breaker for me with online dating. But as a single girl, it’s definitely something that puts me on guard.

5. I haven’t found any guys online who I’m REALLY interested in

Ok, bottom line. The main reason I don’t dig online dating is simple — there have just never been many guys on there who I really wanted to date! Granted, if there had, it might have made all of the above reasons feel more worth it. But man, I never had the best of luck.

Sure, there were a few guys I met who were decent matches. But for the most part, none seemed like great matches. That could be due to a hundred different reasons. But I can’t help notice that I’ve had much better luck over the years meeting guys who are more my “type” in person, usually through other friends. This usually feels way more comfortable as well, versus a blind date with a stranger from the internet who I’ve just emailed with a few times.

I’ve had many friends have great luck online though. So you can blame me for being picky. But if you ask me, it just hasn’t been the right timing, the right guy, the right me, the right whatever yet. And in my mind and in my heart of hearts, I have peace about that. Sure, some days it’s hard. But I have realized that I’d rather have a hard single day than a hard evening out on a date with a guy I met online and probably didn’t really like all that much, after having met him through a process I really didn’t like all that much. And frankly, online dating takes a lot of time and emotional energy. And if there aren’t matches happening that feel like actual matches, I have other things I’d rather be doing and people I’d rather be spending time with.

So, nothing big, I’ve just decided it’s not for me. And if that means I stay single a little extra longer, then that just means you’ll get more of these posts on the blog. (Just kidding. Or maybe not.)  ;)

Again, these are 100% my thoughts, and I love that everyone has different feelings and experiences on this topic. So if you’ve ever tried online dating, I’d love to hear how it’s been! (Ooooh, or maybe we should swap stories of crazy online dating profiles or emails or dates you’ve had! Those are kind of the best…)

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41 comments on “Why I’m Not Online Dating”

  1. Oh man, amen to all of that. I have been asked if I’ve tried it so many times that I can usually predict when the question is coming. There’s a certain type of pause that gives it away.

  2. Soooooo refreshing to hear. I feel like online dating is considered a must if you are single nowadays. I have tried it a few times but I had a similar experience. So I’m down with taking a break at least for awhile.

  3. I have met some great friends and people online, but online dating sites just don’t appeal to me. Mostly because the random spark in “real life” or being found when you weren’t looking for love is half the excitement. Ok maybe not half! But you know what I mean. :-)

  4. Wow! I feel like you pulled most of these reflections right out of my head. I too tried eHarmony for several months, and felt so much stress because nothing ever seemed to pan out. Besides the “shopping” vibe you spoke of, I was always worrying about my profile, my photos…everything! And I know people who’ve met great matches (some have gotten married), but the system just doesn’t seem to work for me. Like you, I feel more confident meeting someone in person.

  5. Well-written. Well-considered. And you know I agree with you 100%.

  6. Oh my goodnes, YES. To all of this. Off to forward this to my mother!

  7. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS!!! I tried E-harmony and HATED every minute of it… totally overwhelming, full of lots of creepy one liners. It was absolutely NOT ME. And its not how I met my husband, but my twin brother met his wife on Match and they are perfectly suited for each other, we even have several mutual friends, just never made the connection (and I am NOT a good matchmaker) to set them up. I think it works for some personalities and not for others!

  8. What a great list! I think you’re so right about all of these things! My friends that are using dating websites are using several at once…and dating several people at a time because of all of the options. I’m not positive, but I just don’t think dividing your time between several people is the way to land a mate. You know? A relationship is all-encompassing and it will not succeed without 100% focus. That’s just my opinion, though. Playing the field has never set right with me. It’s like trying to cook 5 things at once. It’ll taste better if you focus on 1 recipe at a time ;)

    It really rings true with me what you said about most couples you know would never be matched in the online world. About the only thing my husband and I have in common is our faith. It’s the #1 thing I was looking for in a mate. But I’m almost positive we would never have been ‘matched online’ otherwise. I’m not social, he is. I’m uncomfortable letting people see the real me, he’s so open about who he is without apology. I care what people think of me, he does not. I could go on and on.

    Anyway, I love reading these posts. Keep ’em coming :)

  9. Thank you so much for this! I agree with so many of those things! I have several friends and family members who are dating/living with/married to people they meet through online dating, but it just hasn’t worked for me. I’ve been on online dating sites off and on for over a year. I’ve gone a handful of decent dates and several dates “that make good stories” but none of them have panned out into second dates. And the more bad dates I go on the harder it is to go on more blind online dates. I start expecting them to be shorter than they say, have a stutter or come out to me a few days after the date (all of those have happened). This is such a refreshing perspective to read!!! My mantra is becoming “I’d rather have no dates than bad dates” :)

  10. I agree with most of your sentiments…actually, almost all of your sentiments. But I feel like once you get to a certain age, online dating is a necessary evil. I’m also in my early 30’s and have been doing it for a little over a year, after coming out of a long-term relationship. I would rather not have to go down that road, but started the journey optimistically. Ha! I can not honestly say, it sucks. But as we get older and settled into our lives and careers, the single person population dwindles and (at least where I live) it is very hard to meet available men ‘naturally.’ Maybe TMI, but if my ovaries didn’t have a shelf life, I’d just be doing my thing and waiting for Mr. Wonderful to magically appear. Unfortunately that is not the case…

    For what it’s worth, I think all of your reasons for not online dating (except #1) also apply to real-life dating.

  11. Great post Ali! Your personal posts have been an inspiration and led to us getting more personal on ASP… So many of my single friends are so burnt out with the online dating gig… How did we ever get to know someone before the internet? Uhhh – we talked, shared a drink or a meal, had less predetermined notions, were vulnerable in real time on the fly (an indication of who you actually were), etc… Love your thoughts!

  12. YES. All of this. You just explained everything about my aversion to online dating so perfectly. I have a generally icky-judgy-what-am-I-DOING-here/get-me-OUT feeling every time I check an online dating website. Probably the only reason that I still try online dating is for reassurance/hope that there ARE guys out there and maybe a great one will come along. I’d really prefer to meet that guy in real life, though.

  13. My daughter is in the same boat with you. She will turn 30 in October and is happily single. I suppose since she moved from Illinois to Florida for her job, meeting a great guy became more difficult, only because she left her friends and family behind. Those are the very people who would have been fixing her up. She has tried the various dating sites, but nothing ever came of it. Yes, she would love to be in a relationship, start a family one day. But she’s also happy with the freedom of being single. When she least expects it, she will meet the right guy. If she’s happy, then I’m a happy mom.

  14. I met my husband online. It was my third (and final) attempt at online dating. I told myself that if I didn’t meet someone this time, I was done wasting the money.

    I also forced myself to take a different approach than I had the other times. I looked for guys that weren’t my “type.” If a guy sent me a stock response, I deleted their email. I winked at guys, but let them be the first to email. I would ask thoughtful questions in the first few emails and if they took the time to really respond I knew they were interesting. On our dates, I would only do drinks (or coffee) on the first date, and if the spark wasn’t there, I wouldn’t pursue it any further.

    It worked for me, but I certainly can understand how it doesn’t work for others.

    (Disclaimer: I also once had a date fall of a bar stool about 10 minutes into the date because he showed up drunk. That is not the man I married.)

  15. I understand where you’re coming from. I did the online thing on and off for 10 years with no success and a lot of frustration and rejection. This past fall, I gave it one last shot and two weeks ago married an amazing man I met on eharmony. You never know when life will surprise you :)

  16. I was against only dating for a very long time. And I mean really against. I thought it was the “easy” way out of being single. And then one night in a low moment I downloaded Tinder. Still wasn’t sure about it but figured, “why not?.” Less than a month later I met the guy who is now my boyfriend and the absolute man of my dreams. And you know what? I did not check one single box, or make any “requirements” other than my location and of course, that I liked guys. He is NOTHING like what I thought I wanted and due to his crazy work schedule, and both of our feels about bars, I would never have met him otherwise. People can’t believe that we met on Tinder because we are so perfect for each other. We just look at it as fate in the form of Tinder. So I urge you or any other single girl not to over think them. It might work, it might not. But don’t go making judgments or assumptions. You never know how God is going to work in your life.

  17. Thank you for writing this. I’m about to be 30 and am perpetually single, by choice. I am asked this all the time and your thoughts are mine exactly. Perfectly said.

  18. You couldn’t have said it any better! I completely agree that it isn’t for everyone. Stay true to who you are.
    It’s like when people say that you’ll find the one when you stop looking, that is so not true. Everyone’s plan falls into place in it’s own way and in it’s own time. Have fun being you and enjoying all your friends & family :)

  19. This is a really funny post. When I was 34, after being single since I was 29, I decided to give it a whirl. I tried Match. After a friend and I shared a bottle of wine, we both wrote our profiles and hit the LIVE button. I was active on it for 3 months, had a great time, met some really nice guys, and met a couple jerks. It was a great tool for weeding out the crap out there, and was better than going to a bar to meet guys, or on a hike. People really don’t hike, they just say that in their profiles. And, I was too busy with my career to really get out there and meet guys, so it was perfect.

    Just as I was going to stop doing it because I was …. tired of the dating game …. Lenny pinged me. After two weeks of emailing back and forth, we went out, and have been together ever since. Going strong and hitting 12 years in June. We are best friends, great lovers, started a business together, bought a house, write Chez Us and travel the world. I am glad I didn’t turn it off quite yet that one day in May 12 years ago, or I would have never met my soulmate, and probably would have still been too busy, and single at 47.

  20. I love this post and love how well you express yourself. You are just the best. <3

  21. I don’t think I could do the whole online dating thing especially the thought of some creepo taking my head shot and adding it to some p-rn.. Um..Hello..No! Now I thought the weirdo’s I get occasionally to the blog were bad enough! You’ll find the right guy at the right time! I wouldn’t stress it a bit!

  22. Having tried EHarmony and Match, I found a few nice men. Very few. What I did find was interesting material for the next time I met up with friends. When the question came up “what’s new with you” I had no shortage of tales to tell to liven up a cocktail hour. How about this one…after a couple of months of emailing this man (he was a good writer, loved dancing, trained Labrador dogs, a police detective and was currently analyzing data to catch casinos laundering money – so he sounded interesting) we decided to meet halfway (we were 4 hours apart). He began by not doing all the things I had taken for granted that my ex-husband so elegantly did for me. He walked in front of me – not holding the door open for me in my 5″ heels, didn’t help seat me at the table, ordered a cocktail first, and after a 2 hour session asked if there was anything else I wanted to know about him. Sensing that he wanted to share something, I said “No, but is there something you would like to tell me?” His reply was “I’m a bed-wetter.”

  23. Thank you for this. As a married woman with some single friends, I have been guilty of suggesting this in the past. You have summed up quite nicely why that might not be the best thing to do. Thank you for opening yourself up so that others might learn from your experiences!

  24. I totally agree with you on all of the above. I hated online dating, match was all about hookups, American Singles was too many people popping over from Jdate and being mad that I wasn’t Jewish, and after being tired of paying for the frustration, I turned to Plentyoffish. I was honestly not into the online dating, but had way too many bad set ups, to the point where I was getting angry with friends who were just trying to be nice for setting me up with people totally not my type. Just as I was giving up, I met my now husband. Both of us were single in a sea of married friends and weren’t willing to pay for more bad dates. I found online dating a difficult combination of not wanting to compromise what I was looking for (ie being too picky, because I was) and feeling bad for being too picky. Like the bag boy from a local super market who was very nice, but didn’t really meet my education requirement.

    My husband always says it was just my cute profile picture and not luck that we found each other, but I swear it had to be a bigger force. Because I met some seriously strange men. Good luck!

  25. First off, you articulated all the things I think about/feel when I do date online. Except, much more eloquently. As a single lady in her early 30s (I feel your dating related pain) it was really refreshing to read this post. I then immediately read all your other blog posts on dating and being single. Most articles and blog posts I read have a condescending tone towards women or suggest changing themselves in order to be more guy friendly, which is really irritating. Your posts on being single and dating offer a whole new perspective: accepting who you are, being happy with your life as it is presently, but also still believing in love, and giving yourself a break when being single feels really hard. It was really refreshing and I wanted to say that I appreciate it. Also, you’ve given me a lot to think about re: online dating. I always tend to think it’s the ONLY way to meet people, but it’s really just one way. I tell myself it’s the only way, because all my friends are married and all their friends are married, too. So, I don’t get set up very often.

    Anyways, I just wanted to say that I can not only relate, but also felt a sense of camaraderie while reading your posts.

  26. Hey Ali, Great post! I just wanted to recommend this TED video, which you might find interesting.

  27. Thank you so much for writing this series! I always look forward to reading your next post. I can agree with all of the reasons that you gave for why online dating is difficult. I’ve tried a couple of online dating sites with no success. I had one date with a guy I met online and it couldn’t end soon enough. Despite seeming to be compatible on paper, we were too similar and had no chemistry. I am looking for a “spark” and it’s hard to know by viewing pictures online.

  28. I love this post. I can totally relate on every level. I dated someone for 3 years off match when I was 23 and it was great, but ultimately as we grew up we changed and weren’t the best fit. My biggest issue with online dating now is that there are SO many people on it that i feel like most people are not serious about dating and it’s just a big hook up expectation. OR worse is when you have a great mutual connection with someone but then they think they could find something better because there are millions of others online. Frustrating! I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason so just keep doing what youre doing and it all works out in the end. My fave line “just stop looking and you’ll find someone…but make sure you’re putting yourself out there.” Haha

  29. There’s no guaranteed method for meeting your soulmate besides just doing your own thing. I had never been interested in dating but posted on craigslist personals on a whim. I got lots of entertaining responses, but one stood out, and these two young professionals are now engaged. Craigslist is sort of online dating but more freeflowing without the boxes, criteria, etc. ymmv of course. The single life is a good thing too!

  30. I’ve had quite a few experiences- good and bad- with online dating. Whatever works best for you!

  31. I just found this series today and I LOVE IT! I’m 31 (as of May) and single. I tried online dating and I too don’t like it for many similar reasons and gave it up. In one day I’ve read all of your post from the series and you’re spot on on so many things! I’m a food blogger too, not nearly as established. :) But, I want to be your friend! You are awesome and more of use need to be talking about being single. It is a choice even if we desire marriage some day, and most days, it’s pretty awesome and I love my life!

  32. What you wrote was SO true, and I dated many that seemed to be NORMAL online, but in real life, had EXTREME communication issues, didn’t seem like they fit their online profiles at all, and were UNUSUALLY creepy, and it was SO obvious why they couldn’t find a woman, or had been dumped or couldn’t keep a woman. So many lacked basic socialization skills so severely that it was AWFUL being on a date with them. Ok, I meet and get asked out a lot, but I wasn’t getting what I thought was my “list” so I did the online deal to try to get more of what I really was seeking. I arrived at the conclusion that others MUST have created their profile and answered their mail for them because they weren’t at all like what they presented. But each one got MAD or CONDESCENDING when I said, this just isn’t for me. I was called ugly, fat, hag, or worse, in defense I LOOK like the photo I posted, I was the height and weight I said, etc. I had one guy say he was 5’8″, I looked DOWN at him and I am not even 5’5″ in heels, ha. And I was called obese, when I wear XS, please-they weren’t fit so can’t believe they even went there with me. One guy said I don’t date flat chested women. I have clevage, I just came from work and am expected to dress conservatively. He tried to feel me up in the parking lot of the coffee house, I shoved him away and got in my car. Oh, he was bald in person, but his profile pic was with hair, probably 10 to 15 yrs ago…I can’t say I had a positive experience from any of the dates and with over 20, that is REALLY bad odds. And talking with other women, they had similar nightmares, must be our age group, it seems worse the older you are, and frankly, you younger gals can have at the older men that are my peers, I would rather stay single than be with any of them.

  33. Recognizing a woman from a photo and approaching = creepy now?

  34. I agree completely! I dated one guy from Match for a few months, and he met just about everything on my “criteria list,” except that I didn’t feel that spark or chemistry! I think this wouldn’t have happened if we had met in a more “natural” way. It’s an unnatural way to meet people and I struggle with thinking, “Is this what God intended for me?” “Did God’s plan for me include meeting my spouse on a dating website?” I also feel like it’s putting an ad up for myself, which can be unsettling and uncomfortable. I still hold out hope that I can meet someone in a more “natural” way… All I can do is hope. I pray that my hopes come true.

    Thanks for sharing, Ali. I love your blogs on being single. We have to trust that God’s path for us, whatever that may entail.

  35. I know this is an older string of responses but I just googled, “I’d rather be single than online date”. This was the first site that came up. Thank you all for sharing your experience. I have nothing much good to say about online dating. It’s been nothing but a loss of time and  money and a lot of heartbreak as well for me. 

    My problem is that probably because I am an older divorced woman, the odds are just flat out against me and in favor of men. I’ve been on and of the sites; OK Cupid, how about We, Fitness singles, Eharmony, Christian Mingle, and Match. Each one was a waste of time. But here is my point.

    Men, when they are outnumbered by decent women, feel it’s a free for all. All they have to do is go on a few dates with you, tell you about how great you are and try to make plans into the future, like the upcoming summer (this has happened over and over and over to me) and all of a sudden, “POOF” they disappear. I know what happened. they keep looking and know they will find someone better if you can’t fit in with their schedule ‘IMMEDIATELY”. I am busy but not that busy.  And since there are thousands of other dates for these guys, they call the shots.  I’m tired of feeling defeated because I didn’t respond to a text soon enough and a promising date just goes away with no comment or good bye or explanation. 

    I know some people are lucky and its goes better but ive gone on horrible dates and wished i could get my time back.  Coffee dates almost never get off he ground. Drinking caffeine and trying to form a connectioin with a stranger, while both of you know you are there to see if there is a y chemistry, is a setup for a bad start. 
    All the other things that were said i also agree with except for meeting someone. How many hours does a person have tonwaste before they meet someone who is honest. These guys should either stop after the first date, or two, or or if it gets to date three, that i my cutoff. Focus on one person or you are wasting my time and yours. I dont need to state the obvious. No sex with online dates. At least for a long time. 

  36. I clicked over here after reading your Barclay intro. You two are so cute. I agree with all of these but have to add one more. The men who tell you way too much about their divorce, etc. Way too much information for just meeting someone and there is not a relationship as a foundation to handle that. And I haven’t been able to observe them and see who they are now.  I usually cross them off the list. Timing guys! Though on the other hand, if they have unresolved issues it’s nice to know up front. 

  37. Really liked the post. I’ve recently gotten out of a relationship of six years. Been reading all these studies and stories how guys get the short end of the stick when it comes to breakups. Whigh is what I have been feeling. Been thinking how she never realized that I love her so much but unfortantely I wasnt sentimental, romantic or perfect enough. She’d put down the few times a was which never helped. I truly feel I’ve lost a part of me, cause to be honest I have. I Feel this empty void as if the voice in my head is alone and all I hear are my own echoes. I don’t wish her back I know she was bad for me, it’s horrible feeling to love someone and them not believe you or dismiss you. I was thinking of trying to meet a girl to have fun (definitely not sexual) just drinks, dance and some laughs. Considered making an online dating profile (don’t even have Facebook) but something in me just felt it wasn’t or isn’t for me. So I started googling if I’m weird for now wanting to online date haha! And  I found this blog, really helped feel comfortable with the fact that I don’t want to. And I feel glad so many women, including yourself, in these comments feel the same. Gives me hope that there are still women out there who enjoy that first spark you get when you meet someone in person. I’ve never liked photos not necessarily cuz I don’t think I come out good, I know how to take a good pic, but I feel a photo doesn’t convey my soul, my heart. Which I believe are some of things that make attractive and beautiful. Thanks everyone here who commented and reassured me that the best way is still the old fashion way !

  38. 11 tips for online dating:

    1. Posting pictures on your profile is paramount. But unless the people who are viewing your profile are interested in photography, they are only interested in pictures of YOU. They are NOT interested in pictures of your family, pets, vacation, etc.(unless you’re in these pictures). So don’t post pictures you don’t appear in on your profile. …..

    2. If you make a date and want to break it later, have the decency to call the person on the phone. Only cowards break a date by sending an email or a text message. Also, don’t act like a real jerk by either completely avoiding any contact with the person after you make a date….that is, not calling them, not answering their phone calls, and not returning them……., or waiting until they call you before you tell them you can’t keep the date. Again, have the decency to call them, and make the call when you know you’re not going to keep the date.

    …..3. If someone sends you a message on an internet dating site, and you’re NOT interested, DON’T reply. Sending a reply will probably entice the person to keep sending you more messages. But if you do, don’t say something stupid like you’re already dating someone. It’s not believable….if that’s really your situation, then why are you on the dating site?
    4. When you’re talking with someone from a dating site, on the phone, or in person, don’t ramble on and on endlessly about yourself. That’s a major turn off, and something you should know from basic common sense. But many people do it.
    5. If the main picture on someone’s profile is appealing to you, and you’re thinking of contacting this person, have the common sense to look at ALL of their pictures, and anything else on their profile that may be important to you, BEFORE you decide to send them a message.

    ====6. If you receive a call from someone you’ve given your number to, and you can’t talk to them at that time, then YOU should return the call. DON’T tell them to call back. They took the initiative to make the call, and obviously didn’t know it was a bad time for you to speak, so YOU should have the decency to make the return call.

    ===7. If you’re going to be bringing someone with you on the initial date, TELL THE PERSON YOU’RE GOING TO MEET BEFOREHAND. Bringing someone with you without telling your date, can create an uncomfortable situation for the person you’re meeting, which can cause an otherwise good date to go bad. Don’t think bringing someone with you is “no big deal.” It could very well be a big deal to the person you’re meeting.====

    8. If someone wants to meet you, but doesn’t have a cell phone or doesn’t want to give you their phone number, my suggestion is to not meet them. What can happen and what has happened, is that your date could show up very late or not show up at all for one reason or another, and they may not call to tell you, and you obviously wouldn’t be able to contact them. Also, it’s very unusual these days for anyone who doesn’t have a cell phone. So I really have to wonder what’s going on with people who say they don’t have one.

    ====9.If you’re thinking of traveling out of town to meet someone for the first time who doesn’t live locally, you should first view at each other live through Skype, then you both can decide whether or not to meet. If either of you needs a web cam, you can buy one very inexpensively on Amazon. Viewing each other live doesn’t guarantee that there’s going to be a connection if you do decide to meet, but it will reduce the chances that there won’t be. If the person you’re thinking of meeting doesn’t want to do the live view….DON’T MEET THEM.

    ===10. Don’t let your friends use your profile to browse through a dating site, especially if you’re a paid subscriber with full membership privileges. Sometimes the friends will contact other members on the site without your knowledge, the recipients will think it’s you, and when they find out it’s someone else, the outcome is not always friendly, …..OR your friend could contact someone you’ve already met and the date didn’t go well…..and you could run into them in the future which could be embarrassing……OR your friends could do something that violates the dating site’s terms and conditions which could get you kicked off the site. Most of these dating sites offer a free membership, which may not allow communication with other members, but do allow viewing other member profiles. So when your friends ask you if they can use your membership to log onto a dating site that you belong to, tell them to sign up for their own free membership.

    ====11. Post the CORRECT location where you live in your profile….not a place where you used to live, where you want to live, or where your friend lives. It sounds like basic common sense, but intentionally posting a city, state or country where a person doesn’t live does happen. If you’re contacting someone on a dating site, and you tell the person you live somewhere different than what you have posted on your profile, it can be a real turn off, especially if you live in another state or country.

  39. Please – its yeses and nos, not yes’s and no’s. Apostrophes are not to be used to form plurals.

  40. I’m very disheartened to realize this was written 5 years ago, because I am convinced I have found a true friend. YES! to everything you have said in this posting! I couldn’t agree more. I have tried online dating on and off for the past 5 years and all it’s done for me is make me believe more and more that I will be single for the rest of my life; online dating is killing romance. Thank you for posting this! It really is such a comfort to know I’m not alone in this.