When Being Single Just Feels HARD

When Being Single Just Feels Hard | gimmesomeoven.com

I never quite know when those moments will come, when the weight of being single will come crashing down upon my chest.

Those moments have been fewer and farther between over the past few years.

But without fail, they always come.

And boy, they’ll knock the wind out of you.

The moments

For me, it’s always moments.  I’ve never been one to really get down and stay down for days or weeks on end about being single.  It’s more random moments that hit fast and hit hard, and then take awhile to process and bounce back from.

I wish I could say that I have learned over the years to predict when those moments will come.  Sure, there are some of the obvious triggers like weddings, or holidays, or even just scrolling through Facebook feeds filled with happy couples and babies and families galore.  But more often than not, it is the tiniest of things that unexpectedly cause a catch in my throat and fill my eyes with tears.  Like watching a couple I’m with exchange a knowing look and smile.  Or coming home with some great news with no one there waiting.  Or waking up for the thousandth morning in a row next to an empty pillow.  Or walking into church or a party or gathering alone.  Or watching freaking Parenthood, where even watching the roller coaster of those relationships leaves me wishing I had a Joel or Adam or Crosby of my own.

It’s like grief, the way those feelings sneak up on you without warning and then instantly overtake you.  And while sometimes I’m in public or in the middle of a project and have to just block out those feelings and press on, I have learned from experience over the years that it’s best to just ride out the wave.  And not overanalyze everything.  Because after days or weeks or years of staying strong and holding it together, usually the best thing in the world is to yield to the grief and let it out.

The grief

For those who aren’t single, I know it might sound melodramatic to associate being single with grief.  But I have come to believe that’s exactly what it is at times.

Let me be clear.  I love my life, single and all.  And I have written a handful of times on here before about how I’ve found many things about the single life to be empowering and awesome.  And I absolutely believe in living life — wherever it finds you — to the fullest.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I still would love to be married, and that I have dreamed dreams and hoped hopes over the years that simply were left unmet.  And I grieve those things.

I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to experience young love and marriage like so many of my friends, and alongside so many of those friends.  I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to meet my husband when we were in the smooth-skinned, wrinkle-free, heads-full-of-hair, bursting-with-energy “prime” of our youth.  I grieve that a guy never got to see me lead worship in my first job, and I never got to cheer him on with his first promotion, and stay up late dreaming and planning where our careers would lead.  I grieve that we didn’t get to choose all of our “firsts” together — first city, first home, first set of pots and pans, first Craigslisted-couch, first dog, first car, first broken toilet that we fix together, and on and on.  I grieve that — even if I do meet someone — we will in some ways be years behind so many of my peers in experiencing all of those “firsts” of marriage, and being newlyweds, and starting a family, and quite simply just getting to really know everything about each other.  I grieve that my age is becoming an increasing factor in whether or not having kids of our own would even be possible.  I grieve that there is no one on the horizon.

Sure, I can play devil’s advocate on all of these.  And I often do with myself, because I absolutely know that the years I’ve been single have (for the most) part been wonderful.  And if a guy does happen to come along in the future, I also know that relationship will be great in its own special way.   But that doesn’t discount the fact that I had dreams of how I hoped things would go.  And when those dreams or prayers were not answered as I had hoped, something deep inside me just aches.

The heartache

Really, that’s the best word I can use to describe the really hard days and moments that I have being single.  It’s heartache, in the most literal and emotional way.  You know the feeling, when a weight presses down on your chest so hard that you can barely breathe, and then somehow buries deep into your soul?  That kind of ache.

It’s not really jealousy.  Trust me, I struggle with jealousy and comparison in all sorts of other areas of life.  But with relationships, I’ve strangely always been encouraged by watching other good marriages.  It’s also not really anger either.  Occasionally I get mad about the situation and vent to friends or have it out with God.  But even with God, as counter-whatever it may seem, I’ve always felt like He gets that grief more than anyone.  And He has seen me through so many years and I don’t doubt He will continue to do so.  So there’s no one or nothing really to be mad at.

No, I think the main thing I feel is just that ache of sadness.  Sad that I’m still walking this road.  Sad that it is downright exhausting at times doing life on your own.  Sad that I have absolutely no idea or hint of what lies ahead.  Sad because I would just love the chance to love.  Sad that there’s a decent chance that might never happen for me.

Some days, my heart just aches.

The response

I’m not going to package this up with a nice pretty bow and a list of 5 steps for how to handle these moments.  Because if I read that in someone else’s post, it would probably make me cringe.  But mostly because, like I said, I honestly don’t think there’s a ton to “do”.

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I call a friend, sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I just snuggle with my dog, sometimes I make myself a bowl of my favorite egg drop soup.  But most times, I try my best to just be present in the moment and listen to my heart.  Sometimes a specific issue will rise to the surface about being single that I need to deal with, maybe on my own, or with God, or something I should bring up with a group of friends or a therapist or something.  But I’ve come to find that most of the time, I’m usually just sad and that’s all there is to it.

And that’s ok.

So yeah.  I’m still that someone who’s all about enjoying life being single, and feeling empowered and chasing after dreams and living life to the fullest.  But I’m also someone who has spent plenty of time in the valleys, learning the outlines of the shadows that come with this territory when all seems lost.  And I’ve come to believe these moments are just as important as the highs.

But as my old pastor used to say, the worst thing is never the last thing.  And somehow, the light and joy that come with the morning always come again.  Always.

So to any of you dear friends who find yourself in the midst of those hard days, I raise my glass to you and the courage and strength it takes to get through.  And I offer that you’re not alone.  And remind you — and myself — that it will get better.

It will.

If you’re interested, here are some other posts I’ve written about being single.

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**Update: I just wanted to pop in and say how completely blown away I am for all of your thoughtful responses below.  I read every single one, and am so grateful for each of you who share.

Leave a Comment:


  1. H. — August 29, 2015 @ 12:53 pm (#)

    Oh my – thank you for this post. Exactly what I’m feeling. Even though I wept while reading it (don’t feel bad, I was already crying before I got here), it helped a little bit. I cling to the knowledge that God is working in my life to take the best care of me, and as long as I don’t do anything reckless I’ll be fine. Sad maybe, but fine.

  2. Katherine — September 7, 2015 @ 11:18 pm (#)

    hey, I’m not sure who you are… But thank you so much for sharing your feelings on this matter… Because they mirror my own. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in the grief… For the longest time I thought I was just being over dramatic and that the pain was only in my head… But to hear someone else has felt it makes me feel a lot better. It is real, it’s painfully lonely. I have children…and they fill the majority of my heart with a love so powerful… But there’s still that void… The one small space in the back of my heart that is aching to expand… I know one day God will send me someone… But until then… With no prospects on the horizon… I feel incredibly lonesome. 

  3. Wendi — September 14, 2015 @ 2:51 pm (#)

    THANK-YOU!!! This says it perfectly.

  4. Jen — September 15, 2015 @ 6:02 pm (#)

    You described so much of what I feel – the enjoyment of my single time and also the grief. Thank you for your honesty. It’s so refreshing and so comforting!

  5. Kathy — September 25, 2015 @ 9:54 am (#)

    I agree that being single sometimes feels like someone died. I am happy to read I am not the only person that has felt this way. I just learning all the good parts of being single, I am just divorced after 15 years of marriage. I never want to depend on a man again. But sometimes not having a person to hold you and just to feel that comfort is really missed. I think I need to get a Dog !!

  6. Benita Eldridge — October 1, 2015 @ 5:07 pm (#)

    I just saw this post as a result of curated Pinterest pages… Thanks for expressing what single people experience. I am 54 years old. Like you, I am living life! I am a music educator who has had a fulfilling career for 33 years and I would like to continue to teach a few more years. After that, I look forward to ‘settling down’ and getting married if that’s God’s will. Your post is one of the most ‘real’ posts that I have read and I appreciate your candor. Please keep ’em coming. Today, I feel encouraged and empowered because of your potent, beautiful, and inspiring words. May God bless you for sharing your heart.

  7. Brittany P — October 12, 2015 @ 12:30 am (#)

    This post was exactly what I needed to read tonight. I don’t feel so alone now knowing that I’m not the only one who just have off days and just moments of loneliness and longing. There are days where I cry wondering how I got to this place in my life and ended up alone. It’s comforting to know that I can sit back and not be the sad pathetic girl I often feel like for there are others in my same place in life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life as well, but I can certainly empathize when I long for a partner, a child, and all of the “firsts” that you so eloquently wrote about. So thank you for voicing what I have so long not been able to put into words.

  8. Joe — October 20, 2015 @ 11:13 am (#)

    Thank you for writing this. As a Christian it’s always difficult watching so many of your friends in relationships and it feels like everything around you is going better for others instead of you. I’ve tried looking at other websites for encouragement, but this is the first one I’ve found with a Christian perspective and it has encouraged me as I’m currently in one of those valley situations. So thank you!

  9. Lina — October 29, 2015 @ 2:23 pm (#)

    I’m having one of those sad days myself.  I went searching online for alittle solace.  43yrs. old here, 44 next month still single and yes it is sadness thatt I feel.  I have those moments.  I’m having an afternoon of it today and at work , which is most inconvenient.  

    Thank you for your words, it describes what i am feeling perfectly but can’t seem to put into words.


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